Golden Arches, a Spoof with Alexander and Hephaistion
by Lysis
Summary: Alexander and Hephaistion have magically been transported from a makeshift camp in the Gedrosian desert to the present time. They had been discovered in a McDonald's begging for food for their starving troops, and news crews flocked in to get their story. Unaware of the salacious, vicious, cut throat modern day media tactics they chose the worst to go with: Wolf News.


Golden Arches

By Lysis (January 2015)

_This is a spoof! If it offends you don't read! It is in no way politically correct!_

_To Phaifan and Vampire Reader._

* * *

><p>Alexander and Hephaistion have magically been transported from a makeshift camp in the Gedrosian desert to the present time. They had been discovered in a McDonald's begging for food for their starving troops, and news crews flocked in to get their story. Unaware of the salacious, vicious, cut throat modern day media tactics they chose the worst to go with: Wolf News who appealed to their military background by having retired general Winer South plead for an exclusive interview. Fellow soldiers they couldn't help but agree believing he would see their plight and help.<p>

So, they are presently in the living room of a beautiful house, in southern California and about to be interviewed by a camera crew and journalist. They have been told to be themselves, tell the folks watching of their plight, the plight of their men. The journalist, Nancy Kitty, a brassy, over opinionated, self-important blond claims this is the news story of the century. This is a "tell all" that will be the number one story of the day according to Ms. Kitty.

As we all know Alexander is a showman. He and Hephaistion know patronizing behavior when they see and smell it, and have decided to put on the show that they know their hosts are expecting.

At Ms. Kitty's suggestion, both men have changed out of their familiar garb, comfortable chiton, corselet, and mantle to try modern dress. She has assured them their audience will be better able to identify with them this way.

Alexander is barefoot, and after trying on, and refusing "jeans" the barbaric leg encasements which recall Bagoas' clothing has tried a compromise. He is wearing his favorite dark red chiton over a _Rage Against the Machine_ t-shirt and a red and green Mexican style poncho is belted at the waist with a long silver and turquoise belt of Native American work. A thick cuff of Native American turquoise circle his wrists. More turquoise and silver ornament his fingers as rings.

Hephaistion is dressed in a pair of cut off black denim shorts and black t-shirt; on his feet a pair of bright red clogs. Heavy gold bracelets ornament his arms. A large ring of gold with a big chunk of green malachite adorns his left middle finger. A pair of Matrix style sunglasses are perched on his short bronze curls. Both men wear their sword belts with daggers attached. Their swords and other armor rest against a wall within arm's reach.

Hephaistion has been tossing his dagger point up onto a long table of polished maghongy. The camera crew moans each time he does this. He grins in return as he eyes Ms. Kitty who is sitting next to Alexander on the couch opposite him. Alexander has been trying to eat a steak and potato for the last fifteen minutes, and is clearly unhappy as Ms. Kitty has repeatedly told him the steak is unhealthy, fattening and will lead to heart disease. She is a tiny size two, and has made it clear throughout her little lecture to Alexander she has to religiously watch everything she eats in order to stay that way, but it is worth it, as men prefer skinny women. Apparently she is ignorant or blind to the fact that Alexander is almost underweight due to the rigors of the desert march and near starvation.

She has ignored his countless attempts to explain the need to bring food to their starving army, and that steak is just the sort of thing to aid his hungry followers. She has been running her hand up and down Alexander's bicep and then pats his thigh while giving him an endless set of instructions about what to and not to say during the interview. His eyes meet Hephaistion's and he mouths "HELP!"

They excuse themselves, and run into a nearby room.

Alexander: "Gods, Hephaistion, what are we going to do? She hasn't heard one word I've said. I can't even eat in peace! Clearly, she isn't interested in how we ended up; nearly twenty-five hundred years in the future in the middle of a McDonalds while looking for food for our troops who are lost in the middle of the Gedrosian desert." He breaks off looking bemused. "Even I am wondering about that. It is very odd. I know there's some explanation for it, somewhere. However, when we return we can bring plenty of food back with us.

Hephaistion: Yes, I need to go over the estimates once more, though, how much per pound per person. Oh, the pack animals…" he groans softly and wipes his hand with his face. "I hope there still are pack animals! Maybe she could help us, you know we can appeal to her human side, after all we left starving women and children behind!"

Alexander, shaking his head, glumly: "I don't think she has a human side! And, if she doesn't keep her hands off my leg, I swear I'm going to cut them off! Also, that dress! Gods, why does she walk about looking like a _pornos_? Does she care nothing of what men think of her?"

Hephaistion: (In a low voice, almost a whisper). "I know, I know, I can see her…her underwear each time she bends over. It's blue with little flowers. I never knew such things were I mean I…" He takes a deep breath, bites his lip and grins at his companion. "Look, obviously she wants "Alexander and Hephaistion". When we tried to explain some of our goals and how we ran the empire, what Aristotle taught us, our views on the gods, etc., I thought her eyes were going to cross, she looked so bored. All she wants to know about seems to be sex, are we gay, I still do not understand "gay" what does she mean by this? Why does she get that odd gleam in her eye when she asked this? She is a most odd woman. If she asks once more does Bagoas sleep with us; or about all the cities we've looted, women we've raped, and how many people we've killed…I will kill her. It's insulting!"

Alexander: "I know! What is wrong with people today! And, if one more person asks if I am happy with Roxanna, I'm going to scream. And, can you imagine…that question she asked me. Do I make sure my wife has an orgasm when we have sex! Gods! Where does she come up with these questions? I too do not understand what "gay" means? Why does she keep asking this, as though it is a bad thing? What is wrong with the woman? She asked me, how does it feel being the son of man who was a nymphomaniac and a mother who was a witch! She was referring to Philip, my father and my mother like that! As though she had such privilege to speak of them so. Such rude boldness as though she just could ask whatever she liked regardless of my feelings! By all that's holy….urgggghhhhhhh! I swear upon it, Hephaistion, were I not a civilized man, why I would…I would sell her into slavery! Do you know what she said when I mentioned our plights? '_People die everyday, that's old news! It's not exciting anymore. My readers want something exciting!_'"

Hephaistion: (sotto voce) "You probably couldn't get a buyer for her. Look it's clear what she wants, _barbarians_." He nudges Alexander and winks, both get big, wide smiles on their faces. "She doesn't care or want to know what we are really like. She certainly does care to aid us in returning to our people and helping them. She just wants something sensational. So let's give it to her ah, "_Alexander and Hephaistion_." Don't forget she's the one that said, (mimic's Ms. Kitty's voice) "'_Gee, boys, you and your men, why you're just like…like animals! I mean the way you all live, it's so barbaric! Oh, please, oh, no I didn't mean to insult you, why, no, I'd never do that, but your lifestyle, it's just so…"_ I thought she was going to flutter her long, fake eyelashes to death. And then she went on: "_To live the way you want, do whatever you want, especially in that army camp with all those strong, warriors, those, big, bold, muscular men! If someone didn't surrender to you, why I'm sure you were very persuasive weren't you Hephaistion! I know I would be putty in your hands or inbetween those thighs!'"_

Alexander stares at him, and shakes his head, sighing deeply in disgust. "Nai, tell me about it! I thought she was nearly….! The more she talks the more she reminds me of ah, Roxanna. When this is over, I just want…" He sighs deeply, deeply from the chest, and looks down at his feet. "I am so upset I could… eat a Big Mac! You know, I do like them. Do you think they'd deliver them back to the camp with us, if we promised them gold?" They talk a few moments longer, seem to agree on something and return to the main room.

* * *

><p>The cameras are turned on and a smiling face looms into view hogging the screen, a hand waves.<p>

"Joy to you! I am Alexandros of Makedonia, son of Phillipos, Hegemon of the Hellenes, Vasilieos of the Makedoni, Great King of Persia and the Empire and Pharaoh of Egypt. Those are just my major titles. Nai, Hephaistion?" Hephaistion's response is a wide mischievous grin which bodes no good for anyone but he and Alexandros.

"Nai, and I am a god." Hephaistion winks.

"Nai, Chiliarch and Hero. I will build a temple here in this city of Angels Lost, and you may worship him there." Alexandros eyes him adoringly. Ms. Kitty gushes a lot of nonsense, kisses Alexander saying, "Now, isn't he just adorable! Ah, what are you saying though? I don't understand, "nay?"

Some of the crew misses it, but others notice Hephaistion rolling his eyes as he mutters softly to himself. "Oh, _nai_, he is adorable, especially when in a temper, with a spear in his hand dripping blood. He is at his most _adorable_ like that." Some of the crew, who are catching on smother their laughter in their hands.

Alexandros suddenly grins, says, "Means "yes" in your tongue." Then he smiles again, this time wickedly and pierces his palm with his dagger. He ignores the groans of the camera crew and Ms. Kitty's screams as he holds up his hand and the blood drips down on the carpeting. "I do this so that you may know; I am nai, immortal, but also of human blood. I am of the royal blood of Akhilles, son of Peleus, who did slay Hektor, son of Priam at Illiam. There is the desire for much war in my blood, non? Now, this blood it –" He cuts himself off abruptly, then turns to Hephaistion squealing.

"Oh, is that the MTV? Oh, this I do like very much. Look, Hephaistion it is much music and dancing." He stops his bloody demonstration to watch the 52" inch 3D screen and begins to imitate Bruno Mars. Then he stands as though frozen. "Oh, _she_ is beautiful…oooooh!"

Hephaistion grimaces, mutters under his breath "Not again! Are not Roxanna and Bagoas, and your pages enough in your bed? Gods! Where do you get the energy to get up in the morning?" He drags the hapless Alexandros by the arm from his position before the TV and turns it off. "No more Beyonce, I cannot stand anymore!" He scolds his companion and moans as he slides down on a nearby couch grabbing up a Budweiser.

"But Hephaistion, I enjoy such as this. I…"

"I know what you enjoy, and then I end up looking after it. Perdikkas and I -"

"Oh Hephaistion." Alexandros warbles, interrupting his lament, licking his lips and his face takes on a thoughtful mien. "I know what will please you." He smiles at Ms. Kitty's open, expectant stare and rubs his hands together and pulls a DVD from a messenger bag on the floor near him. After a few moments the room is bombarded with a screaming guitar and a voice to match fills the air.

Immediately Hephaistion is all smiles as he sets his long legs on the polished marble coffee table before and nuzzles the beer bottle.

"You see, now he is content, no?" Enormously pleased with himself Alexandros stands a moment as he watches the antics of the three musicians on the screen.

"He is _kalos_? Nai, Hephaistion? Do you desire him? I am certain I could buy him for you. How much talents, you think five thousand gold, Ms. Kitteee? From whom do I buy? I wish to please my beloved." Ms. Kitty slaps his hand and giggles.

"Oh, Alexander we don't buy people today! Why slavery has been abolished!"

Alexander frowns, stamps his foot and grabs her by the arm. "But I must please Hephaistion!" He glares at the hapless anchor woman. Giving her a look many have seen before to their great dismay. "You will arrange that I may buy this Jared for him. You will do it now! Nai, Hephaistion?" He shoves a cell phone into her hands. Hephaistion's head bobs up and down enthusiastically as they watch the lead singer whose large blue eyes are similar in color to Hephaistion's.

"I approve of him." Hephaistion offers one of the reporters who is watching openmouthed with the rest of her crew. 'Do you not desire him?" Hephaistion giggles as he gestures toward the long haired singer on the screen." I hear many both men and women desire him. Of course he is most beautiful, were he not; of course, he would not be acceptable to portray myself."

"Ms. Kitton, do you not desire to screw him?" Hephaistion chuckles nastily and winks at Alexander who hides a grin as Ms. Kitty moves from his side toward Hephaistion. It is noted that her hands are shaking just a bit.

"So you find this musician attractive? Yes, he certainly is. Is he your type, Hephaistion? Do you have a type? And, what of Alexander are you two still lovers or has the fire died down?" She giggles in false modesty, and looks up gushing into the camera. "Enquiring minds want to know!"

Ms. Kitty then asks Hephaistion a question about his favorite color. Hephaistion looks a bit stunned and mumbles as if in disbelief. "My favorite color?" Then he grins widely and answers in a school boyish tone. "Red, the color of blood. Do you not agree with me Alexander? No, no Alexander, do not drink anymore of that stuff sitting on the table. It is very bad for you; it makes you act the madman." He sits back looking very much like he is planning something that will greatly entertain he and Alexander but discomfit the journalist.

Alexander gets up and begins to move back and forth restlessly, begins sipping from a bottle of Pepsi sitting on the coffee table. "This I do like. Is a coke drink. You know this, coke drink, coka Cola… Do you like this drink? Is good, nai?" He waves the drink bottle in a camera man's face.

The camera switches to Hephaistion who is sitting cross-legged on the couch. Ms. Kitty sits near him, smiling, trying to pat his thigh, but he keeps slapping her hands away. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head at Alexandros' antics. "Ms. Kitton, I beg you, please no more, do not let him drink anymore of that. It does making him crazy." He rises from the couch amid the cries of irritation on the part of a cat, a real one which has climbed up into his lap and is now unceremoniously dumped on the floor.

"Opps, kitton, falls!" He grins mischievously and goes after Alexandros. He tries to grab the bottle.

"No, Hephaistion!" Camera focuses on them, Hephaistion smiles and chuckles a bit nastily and grabs Alexandros around the middle and pulls the drink from his hands.

"Water, drink water, is better for you. You drink too much of these things." He sniffs the lip of the bottle, frowns and goes toward the kitchen. "Getting to be a baaaaad habit!"

They scuffle, much shouting in a completely incomprehensible language, a few pieces of furniture are knocked over, laughing, and the cat runs hissing from the room. Ms. Kitty is standing in the middle of the room, hands on hips, frowning. The camera crew is laughing hysterically. Alexandros lands abruptly in an armchair. He makes faces at Hephaistion but leans back beckoning to the cat which has returned and is hidden behind the couch.

"You see, kitty, how cruel he is? Is this not true? Cruel, cruel Hephaistion. Oh, he has broken my heart…more times than you would imagine!" He pretends to glare at his companion, who is coming back into the room with a beer in one hand, and looks up at Ms. Kitty expectantly. She takes the bait rushing to his side cooing softly.

"Oh, Alexander, I am sure, if you wanted to you could find plenty of companions to fill your lonely hours right here." Her hand once again is on his thigh and she looks deeply into his eyes.

Hephaistion makes smacking noises and noisily drains the can. "Good, this _I_ do like." Holds up the can. "Vudweiser."

"Very well, we continue." Alexandros waves toward the camera, and gets up, nearly dumps Ms. Kitty who was inching her way onto his lap on the floor. "As I say, we make this story for us to tell." Sound of refrigerator opening and closing. Footsteps and Hephaistion comes back into room gulping another beer.

"Well, since Hephaistion is being temperamental I will explain to you what we do here. This will be about Hephaistion. I love Hephaistion." He turns studying his companion who is sprawled on the couch nosily sipping beer. "Sometimes I love Hephaistion." His voice echoes loudly in the room. He meets Ms. Kitty's gimlet eye, she is stamping her foot, looking like a volcano about ready to explode. He moves toward her, grins as he takes her hand and sets down next to her on the couch.

"Now, I tell you little story. You listen? Good. Okay." He pats her thigh and grins. Hephaistion and several of the camera crew, who have gotten wise, snicker. "When I am little boy, am training to be great warrior I run from my tutor, very mean man, Leonidas. He is of my minera's family, but she is not known much to him except as child. But he does help me to be great warrior. I learn much skills, strength, discipline and temperance from his teaching of me. I learn to kill, become bloodthirsty barbaric Macedonian!" Alexandros stops and pauses studying Hephaistion as Ms. Kitty makes silly, obscure noises and pats his hands tenderly and attempts to move much closer. After about two minutes of this he mutters to himself as he gets up and goes out to kitchen. Sound of refrigerator door opening and closing. He comes back a bottle of coke in one hand. "Ah, is much good. Deeliciious! I like this stuff!" He makes a face at his companion who is rolling his eyes at him and lying supine on the other couch bouncing one leg up and down while petting the cat that has come back to regain its spot on his stomach.

"You should not drink that. It makes you crazy. I am telling you, non! Ms. Kitton stop him, I beg again!" A loud sigh from Hephaistion followed by a muddled, quick conversation between them. Alexandros smiles widely as he sits back down and sips slowly with great relish and eggagerated gestures from his soda. Hephaistion mumbles to the cat who stares up at him with wide green eyes, "He never listen to me, never, I tell you. Bagoas yes, on occasion, is because of course, he let him fuck him, but me, non, I only give him blow jobs. So, I am useless. You think that man hears anything I say? Non, only when he wishes to. He is madman."

Ms. Kitty tries to soothe Hephaistion by scooting close to him, patting his cheek and making cooing noises in his ear. "Don't you worry, Hephaistion, I'll take care of it." She whispers loudly to him and turns eyeing Alexander with a frown.

Alexandros chuckles and jumps up from the couch, runs from room. He is back within seconds with several books in his hands. "These is books, nai, all about me! And Hephaistion, he is also in these books." Thumbs rapidly through books, holds one up to the camera. "Here, you see this, come here, come!" Gestures to camera man, "Closer, there you see that is statue of Hephaistion and there am I. Do not you think looks like Hephaistion?" Alexander screws up his face and turns back and forth between page and Hephaistion studying each. "Hmmm, no, nai," shakes his head of golden curls, purses his mouth, " Okay, maybe not so good, but is to be him." He puts book down and goes to Hephaistion and kisses him hotly then snuggles next to him and smiles. 'Is he not _kalos_? _Kalos_, nai." Hephaistion smiles complacently, smacks his lips together loudly and gets up, goes into the kitchen comes back with yet, another beer. While Ms. Kitty is screaming at the camera crew, "Did you get that? Did you get that! He kissed him!" He stands over Alexander who is sitting next to cat petting it, or trying to while cat tries to bite his hand.

"Do not tease him, Alexander. Where is Indiana? Go find you dog." Hephaistion sighs, smiles and faces the camera. "He, "Hephaistion gestures with one hand toward Alexander who has gone outside and is calling "'Indyyaana!'" in loud, exaggerated tones. "He loves dogs; he knows dogs, cats…" He shakes his head negatively, and smiles. "Cats not so much does he understand them. Cats know many things." He picks up the cat which purrs loudly and carries it around in his arms like a child. "He tells me all his secrets, nai?" He pets the cat on its head, strokes its ears, smiles at it. "Nai, you tell me all. I will listen to you."

Loud commotion, Alexander comes running in following by barking of a large thickly furred black dog. Dog jumps up onto Alexander who laughs and falls back onto the carpeting pretends to wrestle with the dog. A lot of barking, cat streaks out of the room; we hear Hephaistion swear loudly and sucks his hand which is bleeding. Ms. Kitty is now sitting on a chair by the side of the room. Her arms are crossed, her face like that of a spoiled little girl unable to get her own way, she crosses her and legs and one black high heeled foot bounces rapidly up and down. She gives cutting looks and mouths angry words at the camera crew who are near to falling over laughing.

Hephaistion looks up gesturing towards Ms. Kitty who grins widely, and goes to sit by him. "I would speak, I have something to say. I have been much pressed to irritation by this. I set the record correct. Nai? You are ready? Camera crew? Nai!" He waits a few seconds. "I am not bed boy to Alexander, he is bed boy to me." He smiles widely and loud shout of laughter erupts as Alexander leaps on him as Hephaistion laughs widely as they wrestle.

"He is lies, lies!" Alexander shouts against the hand that Hephaistion presses against his mouth. "Hep…." The rest is garbled behind Hephaistion's hand.

Hephaistion smiles pleasantly at the camera, "Do not listen to anything he does tells. He has been struck by Furies, they have taken his mind. He knows not at times who he is. He is just pretty boy, good for bed only. Pleasant to fondle… At times, nai, maybe to talk, perhaps to stroll about with….. " He shouts and throws up his hands giggling wildly as Alexander pummels him and they fall to the carpeting and roll on the floor. Both are laughing loudly and tickling one another. The film crew have completely forgotten their cameras and are laughing, calling out to them, egging them on, and drinking sodas, etc.

Finally, Alexander pulls away with a deep sigh and stretches. "I grow hungry and want Big Mac meat food from place with golden arch."

"Nai," replies Hephaistion "Is good to eat there. They have funny war machines to climb on and slide down. I must make sketches of these to see how we may use them in attack."

"Then we will eat large portion of beef with many of these potatoes cooked in skins and much vegetables, what the girl slave calls "salad". They not have enough wine to satisfy us? Hephaistion shakes his head looking woeful. "Bad thing. Yet by and by we find such a place yesterday."

Hephaistion draws back looking rather shocked. "Recall you Alexander, at first they would not serve us. It was most upsetting. I was ready to bung hole man who not let us in with my sword. Now they come to us with the wine and beer, and that liquid Alexander does now drink. I not like it. It make him crazy, he already madman, does not sleep the night through, even if I calm him with pleasure." He turns to Alexander, "I not understand what "police" is. We must ask those who come to honor us. These police tribesmen they come and give us ride to their tribal place. But soon we are brought back here."

" Nai, Hephaistion, but they did not honor us, they would not drink with us. Much strange peoples in these lands.." Alexander smacks his lips as he finishes his last Coke. Come, Hephaistion I grow with hunger as you. We go to the Big Mac Golden Arch place again? "

"Ah, what do you think, Hephaistion, we bring Golden Arches back with us? There will be one in every Alexandria I found. Is a good thing, nai?" They both turn, in unison, wide, angelic smiles upon their faces, hands out in gesture of friendship, Alexander addresses their hostess, Ms. Kitty in tender, soothing, civilized tones.

"So, how was that? Did we give you what you wanted? I was thinking about a nice dinner out to settle any hard feelings. McDonald's wasn't really what we had in mind. Perhaps a good steak or fish house?"

She frowns, eyeing him suspiciously, begins stamping her foot again. She is making little "shsssing" noises. "You know I expected something better for all this! I want my audience to meet the real Alexander and Hephaistion, the conqueror of the world, and his beautiful, sexy friend who was famed for his thighs! I was…was, expecting a demonstration! You two are celebrities! Women and men fantasize about you. They want the real you, the bold, rough, barbaric men who led armies, killed cities, countries of people, seduced beautiful women. I want…!" Her voice ends in an abrupt scream.

"Non, Alexander, we cannot fool her, she knows us too well, the barbaric men we are! I think it's time to go home." He winks at his companion who is gathering up their armor. "Come, we buy you much food, fatten you up good! I notice you have no man, so we give you to our friend, Antigonous one-eye. He like women who scream, and likes them very plump. Men of our time, we like plump women." Alexander winks at Hephaistion who nods as Ms. Kitty screams again to her crew begging for help as Hephaistion grabs her up like a sack of flour and tossing her over his shoulder heads for the door.

The film crew troop into the kitchen to celebrate with beer and Coke.

Finis


End file.
